When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Smells like a challenge to me
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”