When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
twitter is a journey
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.