When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Mad Max Arctic Road
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Hotels are back
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.