When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.