When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
A male goth is called a broth.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me