When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?