When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I already tried new things thanks.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.