When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Snapes on a plane.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.