When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.