When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
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I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
a New Yorker reject, for you
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Go hard or stay average
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.