When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
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It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
tag yourself
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*