Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

Time heals everything 🙂

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.