When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”