When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one