When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.