When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
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[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back