When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
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HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
