When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
what it’s like dating me:
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help