When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.