When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I love art.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
tinder is all about the long game
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately