Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

why does this building look like a guilty dog

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Sign at work today

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will