When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names