When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My dad teaching me to drive
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”