When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman