When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Who did it better?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I have obtained a hat
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
2022 will be better than 2021
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.