When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
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Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.