When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
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[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
@ candidates for local office
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Always a metermaid never a meter
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?