When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
#Caturday
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
best first i’ve ever seen
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing