When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
when you order from DoorDastardly
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.