When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”