When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.