When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
BRO LMFAO
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
This meeting could have been a cake
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”