When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.