When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.