Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

a fate I wish upon no one

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

Showerkraut

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”