Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

definitely did not do anything wrong

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”