When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.