The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
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waiter: what would you like to have?
me: bring a milkshake with two straws
me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’m a mother and even I don’t understand how a woman can go through hours of painful labor and give birth to a healthy baby boy just to name him Guy.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.
Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.