My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
New Tinder profile.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue