@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

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@impaulmccoy

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

@Jerrypleasure

[Date]
waiter: what would you like to have?

me: bring a milkshake with two straws

date: *smiles*

me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink

@stats_canada

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

@FemmeEnFeu

I’m a mother and even I don’t understand how a woman can go through hours of painful labor and give birth to a healthy baby boy just to name him Guy.

@mejustbeth

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

@SteveKoehler22

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

@shkeeber

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

@lovemydogduck

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.