When a shoelace touches your ankle
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
you’re not fooling anyone
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
A ghost story
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.