When a shoelace touches your ankle
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone