When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
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I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me too 😆
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Human stupidity exists because, if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.