Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.