Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

#milo

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old: