When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
one of
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
#Caturday
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
