When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My dog learned how to text
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore