Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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