Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me after i passed that state trooper

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.