Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.