Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through