When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Can’t stop laughing
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye