when a toddler tells a story
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*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Just added something to my bucket list.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?