when a toddler tells a story
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[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I can fix him.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed