when a toddler tells a story
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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
💀 😭
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.