when a toddler tells a story
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Meth is short for Elizameth.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.