Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you