When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
work smarter, not harder
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
scared to check what name she chose
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens