When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.