Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more