When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”