When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
the duality of man
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
