Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

Oh we’ve met.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.