When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no