Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Van Gone

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.