When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
You Might Also Like
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
oppen heimer style lol
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles