When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
well this is just bullshirt
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.