Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?