When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
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friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
happy friday
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)