When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
For anyone who needs this today
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks