Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
You Might Also Like
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy