Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

These dogs look like they have good credit.

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Love this guy

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.