When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
adam and eve had first world problems
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
When someone trying to leave me
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed