Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

Most Common Source of Electricity

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

ㅤ

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?