When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You Might Also Like
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
This is my bus stop.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.