When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
You Might Also Like
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I’m having an out of money experience.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec