When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear