When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I have never heard an armadillo before.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that