When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12