When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.